One Sided
by Sariyuki
Summary: For he knew that this was a one sided thing, whatever it was. SanzoHakkai. Shounenai.


**Title:** One Sided  
**Author:** Sariyuki  
**Date:** 23 July 2005/22 April 2006  
**Disclaimer:** The Great and Mighty Minekura Kazuya owns Saiyuki and its wonderful bishies and their adventures, whereas I own nothing.  
**Setting:** Post journey  
**Originally dedicated to:** Olivia for her bday and for 38 Day. But it's a year late (note the date sweatdrops).  
**Now dedicated to:** all Sanzo/Hakkai fans out there. Hope you can enjoy reading this. Cheers.

-.-.-.-

How long had it been like this?

Trailing kisses along the smooth collarbone, Sanzo moved his right hand to caress the equally smooth back. It elicited a sensuous sigh from the man he was holding on so tightly in his arms. The air was getting hotter, it felt harder to breathe. He never felt winter this scorching nor felt his heart fluttered like this.

He wanted to make it last. How he wanted to make it last.

The bed moved under them, or was it they who moved like the wild ocean? There was no more politeness and empty facades even though he knew he needed them. But it's so hard to keep up the act. So hard not to be honest when he was this close to heaven. So hard not to be himself when he was holding Hakkai.

Funny, that he never thought he'd be bound like this. Strange, that he was the one who felt afraid to let go. Things were seldom turned out the way people wanted, he knew. But wasn't it ironic that the things that you thought you didn't want had become the very thing you wanted the most?

Sanzo looked at his work of art, his eyes roamed the face that drove him insane these last two years. Hakkai looked back, a little smile formed on his face.

"What is it, Sanzo?"

There were so many things, so many words he wanted to tell the man. For the life of him, he couldn't find a way to say them without being so cissy. So he replied the smile instead with his own.

"Let's make love all night."

Hakkai gave a little laugh before he pulled Sanzo closer and whispered to Sanzo's ear, "Let's."

Sanzo could feel the curve of his lips went wider.

The feeling was like fever, incurable, maddening. The two bodies moved together in a rhythm, which only they could hear, wanting to get closer than the impossible, wanting to get more than what they were able. Maybe it was okay, Sanzo thought, to feel this vulnerable. Maybe it was okay to be a mere mortal.

And in this moment, Sanzo could understand the reasons human needed gods and the way they longed for the existence of heaven. Reaching out to infinity, always reaching out for something that they couldn't see nor understand. That's being human was all about. Never satisfied, always in the dark and yet pretending they could see it all. How feeble. How pathetic.

So why in all sanity that he felt more alive than ever when he was being this pathetic?

He entwined his hand with Hakkai's left hand. It felt right to do this.

The eyes he looked into smiled at him. It felt good to do that.

Moving faster and faster, matching the rhythm in his heart. He said Hakkai's name as he came and his own echoed back.

It felt as if he could die right there and then. How weak he'd been. How shameful.

-.-.-.-

And would it be wrong of him to ask for something more than this?

When in the morning, the façade had been placed back and the daily routine took over the traces of last night's passion, would it be wrong of him to ask the man for more pieces of him?

Or should he be content of what he could get, be grateful that he was here, at this moment, gazing upon the sunlight that filtered through the window, breathing his scent and owning this brief moment of peace with him?

But years of training, years of wisdom, they had taught Sanzo this. That illusion was only something for the weak. That truth was always better and more straight forward, however painful it was. He had accepted this. He knew that he'd been beaten, through and through, although he'd die before he'd ever admit it to anyone. He still had his pride to maintain.

Sanzo looked on and wondered how quickly night became morning.

Hakkai had put on his clothes and combed his hair a bit carelessly. He knew they were running late. And whose fault that was?

Then he turned away from the mirror. A smile at the ready.

"Shall we go, Sanzo?"

Sanzo looked back at the clear green eyes - they told him that yes, they really should go now. He searched for something behind that stupid question, something, anything, other than a meaningless conversation piece. There wasn't anything.

How he longed to punch the daylight out of that man. The cool way that Hakkai handled everything, the calm way - almost heartless - he treated the world outside his own with, how infuriating it was. How could he be such a fool for this man? But a fool he was.

For he knew that this was a one sided thing, whatever it was. And it would always be that way.

For he knew that he would never be able to erase that scar, no matter what he did. Not that he'd do anything, yeah...

This should end anyway, it's no use for him, he'd be better off alone. That's the way to go and my, how easy it was to figure out. Yes, he knew what to do. But damn Heaven and earth! What he didn't know was that he didn't know how to quit Hakkai.

Because when their hands brushed each other, he couldn't help but shiver.

And he'd fall all over again.

-.-.-.-


End file.
